Plus, Cate Blanchett runs into Matthew McConaughey. And Kendall Jenner and Cara Delevingne make plans at the pool.
Each week, Josh Duboff looks at the biggest celebrity news—and amuses himself by imagining how those celebrities might have reacted.
At Cannes, Matthew McConaughey’s film, Sea of Trees, was booed at its screening. Cate Blanchett premieres her film Carol, also starring Rooney Mara.
Matthew runs into Cate backstage at a Cannes press event.
“Cate! Cate, the Great! Cate the Great Interpreter. Blanchett DuBois, the color of white!” He kisses her on both cheeks and on her forehead. “How are you?”
Cate takes a step back and straightens out her dress. “I’m excellent, Matthew. Really no complaints. We’re in Cannes, we’re here for movie premieres, we’re wearing pretty garments.” She smiles and shakes her head. “Not too shabby, is it?”
Matthew puts his fingers on his temples. “We’re in a video game, Cate. Let me tell you. This is a video game. And it looks like sun and water and croissants, but they can shut this thing off whenever they want. They can pull the plug out, and all the colors will disappear.”
Cate looks around. “You know, I think I’ve lost Rooney. We’re supposed to do some video interview together. I should probably go—”
“Rooney Mara, the shadow adventurer, on that boat riding into the dark abyss. You can’t see inside that head, or even get near it; there’s fog everywhere.”
Cate nods nervously. “I suppose that’s true, in a way.” She puts her hand on Matthew’s shoulder. “Listen, I heard about the . . . response to your film. You should know that none of that stuff matters. It’s not even worth a second thought.”
Matthew sighs. “Cate, Cate, Cate. We had gold in our paws—what? just over a year ago—all the shouts and confetti and noise! Volcanoes. But now, it’s a year later, and it’s cold on the mountain. There’s no fire. No lava. We just have our golden memories, and our golden men, on a bookcase, telling us that we’re only getting older. The sun is going back into the garage, and you can’t jump-start that car.”
Cate gives Matthew an air kiss. “Matthew, you’re divine, it was great to catch up, I must get to Rooney!” She picks up her dress and moves past him. Matthew frowns slightly and then, after a few moments, takes off his tuxedo jacket and sits down, cross-legged, on the floor.
The Mad Men series finale airs.
Christina Hendricks walks into a sushi restaurant and spots Vincent Kartheiser. “Vinnie, hey!” she shouts. Christina tells her husband to wait just a second and scurries to Vincent’s table, where he’s sitting by himself, sipping a miso soup. He stands up and gives Christina a hug. “Christina! How are ya, stranger?”
“I’m good, good. Crazy that it’s all over, isn’t it?”
Vincent nods. “All things, man. All things.”
“I watched with my whole family, and they were, like, actually bawling by the end,” she says. “I was just totally serene, though. Maybe because we finished filming so long ago . . .” Christina looks over at her husband, then back to Vincent.
“You know, I didn’t even watch it. We got tickets to this jazz festival, and I didn’t even realize it was the same night until the day of.”
“So that’s why you weren’t responding to any of the group text messages . . . ”
“Oh, no, I lost my phone a few weeks ago.”
Christina laughs. “I wish we had had more scenes together, you know? Joan and Pete didn’t really get much together.”
“Nope.” He raises his soup bowl. “To Joan and Pete.” He smiles. “And to everyone greeting us as Joan and Pete, no matter what else we do for the rest of our careers.”
Christina playfully slaps his shoulder. “Stop! We have many more roles in us. So many Coke ads left to go, if you will.”
Vincent nods, wistfully. “I guess that’s true. That’s nice.” They both grin, in the most melancholy fashion that can still be described as “grinning.” Christina pushes her hair back. “O.K., I should get back to . . . See you . . . . wow, see you sometime, I guess!”
“See you sometime, indeed.”
Paris Hilton and Leonardo DiCaprio bid against each other for the same purse at a charity auction at Cannes. Leo eventually wins it, for a rumored $10,000.
Paris exits the venue to see Leonardo sitting on a bench, smoking an e-cigarette. Paris walks over and sits down next to him. She takes the newsboy cap off Leo’s head and puts it on.
She laughs. “What do you think?”
“You totally pull it off, Paris. Very chic.”
“Do you want to put my butterfly necklace on? A trade?”
“I think I’m O.K. My butterfly-jewelry days are past me, I’m afraid.”
Paris smiles. “That was fun, in there. I really thought I was gonna get that purse!” She looks at her phone. “Oh God, hold on.” She texts for about six full minutes, while Leo puffs on the e-cig. He takes his shoes off and kicks them to the side.
Paris puts her phone down, eventually. “Sorry.”
“I feel like we’re from a different epoch, Paris. Do you feel that way? We represent something that’s . . . vestiges of a time that’s passed. Relics. The two of us in tandem, especially. Paris and Leo. We’re the 2000s!”
“I guess. I don’t know.” She looks at the e-cig. “Can I try that?” He hands it to her.
“You know, I have, like, 5 million Instagram followers,” she says. “You’re filming a million movies. We just spent tens of thousands of dollars at an auction.” She coughs softly. “I guess I’m just trying to say that I think we’re doing just fine.”
Leo looks up at the sky. “We definitely are, Paris. We definitely are.”
Kendall Jenner and Cara Delevingne re-unite at Cannes.
Kendall and Cara lie by the pool. Cara texts while Kendall flips through a magazine.
“Do you want grapes?” Kendall asks. “I want grapes. Grapes would be so good, wouldn’t they?”
Cara nods, not looking up from her phone. “Totally.”
Kendall rolls up the magazine and starts swatting around her. “Cara, there’s, like, a bug. It’s gross.”
“Do you want to see Justin tonight? I don’t know what to tell him.”
“Whatever.”
“Let’s just, like, hang out.”
“Yeah, agreed. That’d be perfect.”
“I just want to do nothing.”
“Me too.”
“I don’t want to be bothered.”
“Yeah, I don’t want to be bothered, either.”
“I’m just, like, exhausted.”
“Yeah, definitely.”
“Are you going to go in the pool?”
“I don’t know. I want to, but . . . I also don’t, you know?”
After a long pause, Kendall turns to Cara. “Do you ever feel like Kirsten Dunst in that movie? Where she’s a princess?”
“Marie Antoinette? Yeah. Oh my God, all the time. That’s a good call.”
“Yeah.”
“I see the paparazzi lenses across the water. There’s like 30 of them. Look.”
Kendall frowns. “I know.”
